What to do when being with people makes you feel more alone: 5th of 5 in the Coping skills for depression series from a Madison, WI Depression Counselor

Hello! I’m Bronwyn, a depression counselor based in Madison, WI. I write about depression, anxiety, and being a highly sensitive person. This post is the fifth and final blog in a depression series on coping skills for depression. Previously I wrote about the many ways to describe depression, increasing comfort for depression and rethinking movement and depression. Today I’m going to talk about what to do when connecting with others leaves you feeling more depleted.

Does depression make it harder to connect with people?

When you’re feeling depressed, one thing you want more of is connection with other people. Humans are social beings.

Belonging is one of our deepest needs.

Yet when you’re depressed, connection and belonging are some of the hardest things to find.

Doctors, friends, and family have told you that talking with a friend once a week will help your depression. This is true! Most of the time. And, it’s not true all the time. Depression can make it harder to connect with people. This can feel like a catch-22, since connecting with people is also really important in dealing with depression. 

Focusing on helping others when you’re depressed may not work for you

When you spend most of your time taking care of other people, you’re left feeling depleted. This depletion can have a double whammy. It can both cause and amplify feeling depressed. 

Some people find that an antidote to their depression is in helping other people. But for you, helping people is part of what makes you feel depleted. The thought of volunteering for one more cause or offering to help one more friend might make you want to cry. 

It’s not that helping people doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, or more connected. It does! (Or it used to, at least.)

It’s the nagging and persistent idea that if you don’t say yes to everyone all the time, you are no longer worthy, valuable, or loved.

It is this belief that has you exhausted from helping other people, to the point where you have nothing left for yourself or anyone else. So doing more of what is depleting you may in fact be feeding the depression.

Connecting with yourself helps you connect with others

If talking with friends feels too isolating, or daunting right now, don’t give it up entirely. Friendships, like any relationship, have their ebbs and flows. Even small ways of connecting can keep the relationship afloat. Maybe it’s easier to be doing something together, like gardening or painting, rather than just talking. Telling your friends this directly can be helpful too. 

At the same time, when you are having trouble connecting with others, chances are it’s hard to connect with yourself. Connecting with yourself is a foundation of connecting with others. Looking inward is an ongoing process. Although connecting with yourself is not a one-and-done endeavor, there are many ways to go about it. 

Where do you feel most at home?

Asking yourself, ‘Where do I feel most at home?’ can support connecting with yourself. Another way of asking this might be, ‘When do I feel the most settled?’ or ‘What gives me comfort?’ Whatever the answer, try to do those things as often as possible. It will likely require setting some time out for yourself on a regular basis.

When do you feel nurtured?

What feels soothing? If you don’t know, simply hold the question in mind. Your brain will work on it for you, even if you’re not aware of it all the time. If you do have some ideas, begin thinking about what it would look like to do one of those things every week. 

Another way to engage in the process of finding out where you feel most at home and connecting with yourself is to use a workbook to guide your reflections. Elaine Aron’s HSP Workbook or The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron are two you might find helpful. You can go through each of these on your own. However, often it’s helpful to have another person to keep you accountable, and to hear your reflections. If you’d like a partner as you do the exercises, check out the peer “together-help” of CoJourn.  You get matched with a partner and meet weekly to support each other in working toward your goals. 

Find a space that is only for you

Sometimes you want a space where you don’t have to give your exquisite attention to anyone else. A space where you can just bring yourself and be supported. For this, think about finding a spiritual director, mental health therapist, or even a healing arts professional like a craniosacral therapist or acupuncturist. These are all spaces where you don’t have to take care of the other person (imagine that!).

A space just for you, no need to give something in return.

This doesn’t mean that you are giving up reciprocity and taking care of other people in your life. On the contrary, it is a way of acknowledging that where you are headed is not sustainable in the long term. It might be the only way that it remains possible for you to support other people in any meaningful way. 

We’ve talked about the fact that taking care of other people is part of what is either causing or amplifying your depression. Something that might not be as apparent is the fact that giving more attention to yourself might be terrifying. Part of what fuels your endless helpfulness might be that you feel the need to prove your worth. Another (and potentially related) part might be that you’re scared of what you might find deep within yourself. 

Any relationship, peer or professional, has the potential to leave you feeling exposed. Sometimes becoming vulnerable within a protected professional or non-reciprocal relationship can help support you in feeling better equipped to open up in other relationships.

What to look for in a professional relationship

When looking for professional support like this, take note of how you feel when you are with the person. Do they listen to you and take you seriously? Are they using the space to talk about themselves, or focusing on you? Do you feel pressured, or supported? It might take some time to suss out a good match. Take your time and remember you are playing the long game here. 

When you’re figuring out what kind of a relationship could offer this kind of support, keep in mind that ultimately, you are not looking for advice. It might feel like the experts know more than you do, and that you just need to find someone who can give you the answer. It might feel easier to have someone give you the rules. But what will help you in the long run is to make space for getting to know yourself. 

Remember that connecting with yourself is ongoing

You will move in and out of feeling more or less connected with yourself. It’s a process. You might try a workbook and find that it doesn’t resonate with you. Or you might find one that you love! Know that there is lots of trial and error involved. Even if you say no to something, that too is getting to know yourself better. 

Know that you are creative and resilient.

You have within you what you need to move through this, it’s just hard to access right now. Keep trying different things to help you access those resources and wisdom. You are getting through this. 

About the Author

I love witnessing women move from depleted to connected.

A graduate of Smith College School for Social Work, I have worked in elementary school, community mental health, and hospice settings before opening Bronwyn Shiffer Psychotherapy in Madison, WI.

In addition to depression counseling, I also provide therapy for anxiety and HSP therapy via virtual therapy in Wisconsin and online therapy in Massachusetts.