Being attentive: self-care doesn’t have to be something you buy
Did you squirm a little when you read “self-care”? Are you here on the sly, and not very hopeful? Maybe you’re afraid it will make you selfish. Maybe you’re tired of being marketed to as though a manicure or a new pair of shoes will save your life. (Spoiler: capitalism is wrong, not all womxn love to shop, and not every problem can be solved with buying something.) Don’t get me wrong, some of those things we always hear have some truth in them - I love a good massage, and a good chocolate truffle is sometimes just the thing. However, the frustrating thing about marketing is that it works (no self-respecting capitalist wants you to know that shoes are not adequate self-care) - it’s an enticing trap to get stuck in a cycle of looking externally to satisfy needs that really are internal. And that’s not good self-care.
A note on the term “self-care”
Full disclosure: I get a little squirmy when I hear “self-care,” too. In many ways it perpetuates white supremacist culture that is all about individualism. Community is essential to taking care of ourselves, and the term “self-care” doesn’t acknowledge that. However, while we need both - us and others - to keep solid footing in the world, the term self-care does capture the reality that our selves - our bodies, spirits and minds - are nourished when we take the initiative to care for them. “Self-care” also talks back to the patriarchy that teaches women that our needs are not valid. It centers ourselves as worthy of caring for, which especially for Highly Sensitive women, rarely gets prioritized. So, until I come up with a better term, self-care it is.
But really, what’s wrong with just buying a new pair of shoes?
Nothing is wrong with buying shoes, unless that’s your entire self-care plan. Deep down you know that self-care is so much more complex than that. It takes intention and attention to understand what we truly need. What you need might be to close your eyes for a full minute. What you need might be to scream, when no one can hear you. What you need right now might be to press your feet solidly into the floor. What you need might be to hug your cat. What you need might be to tell your partner what made you angry this morning during that conversation in the bathroom. All these things take a deep level of awareness to discern, and shoes don’t help any of them.
Self-care doesn’t mean you are selfish
Really. This is important. It also doesn’t make you selfish. Self-care is being really, really attentive to yourself. Highly Sensitive people are so skilled at being attentive to other people - you yourself need the same perceptive attention that you give to others. When did that shift in your mood happen, what was going on in that moment? Is that pinch in your neck the first sign of a migraine? How did it feel when you drank that cool glass of water, how did it feel going down your throat? Would you have preferred tea?
What do you need right now, in this moment?
To stand up and stretch? To laugh? To cry? To stop looking at a screen? To let your shoulders soften? What might you need today - a solo dance party? A hot bath? To smell your favorite lotion? To admire the changing colors on the maple tree next door? To be swept away by a piece of beautiful music? To go for a run?
How hard was it just now to think about what you need? Was it obvious? Did you get frustrated because you couldn’t figure it out? Did you just skip it altogether since you wanted to get to the end to see what it is that you’re supposed to DO?
Spoiler: I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. (You made me read this whole thing and you’re not even going to tell me what to do?!) Hang on, it was in there, but disguised - I asked you what you needed right now, in this moment. It’s a really important question.
It’s subtle, and powerful.
And, it might feel maddening, especially if you’re not used to considering it. Here’s another question that might help get more ideas:
Where do you feel most at home?
It might be playing the piano. It might be hugging your partner. It might be reading to your child. It might be listening to dance music or reading a novel. Or maybe it’s those days that you follow the sun through the window like a cat, soaking it up in your favorite chair under a soft blanket.
Pay attention
Notice what it is that makes you feel at home, what it is that nourishes you. When do you feel most alive? When do you feel you can be your authentic self? What makes you feel the most solid? Make a note of these things, and do them a lot.
Ok, here’s a to-do:
Every morning, ask yourself How will I take care of myself today? (Are you squirming yet?) This is how you will start doing the things that nourish you a lot. And they can be really, really simple. Go to bed on time. Actually eat lunch. Once you get the hang of it you’ll get to the transcendental meditation. And if something gets on the way, be kind to yourself and ask again in the morning.
Yes, get your massages, savor that chocolate. And, keep sticking it to the man and expanding your self-care possibilities.
A Clinical Social Worker and owner of Bronwyn Shiffer Psychotherapy based in Madison, WI, I provide online therapy for women living in Wisconsin and Massachusetts. Curious about working together? Click here to schedule a free consult call.