Coping Skills for Depression Series: 1st of 5 Reflections from a Depression Therapist in Madison, WI
When you’re feeling depressed, taking a shower and putting on real pants is sometimes all you can muster. You may have considered depression counseling, but it’s really hard to find the motivation to start. Using “coping skills” might feel laughable. This stuck-ness feels like it will be there forever.
And yet, there is a part of you that longs to move yourself out of this slog.
But where to start? Especially given that most of the things you’re supposed to do are the hardest to do. You’ve heard enough of people telling you to cheer up. Or eat more vegetables. (And you’ve definitely heard enough admonishments to “suck it up” and “get over it.”) If you could cheer up, you would! And yes, you are well aware that what you eat can impact your mental health. But there is so much more going on.
This is the first of five blogs that I’ve written about coping with depression. The next four go into more depth about each of the following topics: what depression feels like, how to have fun when you’re sad, what to do when moving feels out of reach, and how to handle times when being with others makes you feel more alone.
What does depression look like?
When I talk about depression, there are so many nuanced experiences that I can describe. Feeling sad and hopeless are just the tip of the iceberg. You might feel depleted and also heavy. Depression can feel like you’re underwater: not drowning necessarily but disconnected, and like your brain is foggy. You could feel tired all the time in spite of sleeping a lot, or tired because you can’t sleep.
Resentment and irritation are often part of what depression feels like. The depletion, in combination with (and amplified by) overextending yourself, is a recipe for resentment. Another cause of resentment can be years of trying to keep the peace and take care of everyone else, without feeling like your relationships are mutual. You might find yourself irritated for apparently no reason, or more irritated over something small than you would have expected.
Woven throughout all this is a persistent craving for connection that you can’t shake.
Feelings of isolation and emptiness color your days. This can happen in spite of having lots of friends and social connections. That juxtaposition - loneliness in a crowd of people you know and love - throws you off. It’s confounding: how did it come to be that going out with a friend makes you feel less connected, not more?
Whatever combination of the feelings I’ve just mentioned you are experiencing, I’m guessing there is a deep layer of shame underneath it all. Depression and shame are very good friends. A sense that you’re inherently flawed, wrong, or defective (especially for HSP depression). Why can’t you cheer up? Why does getting out of bed feel like you’ve got a weighted blanket on top of you? Without hope of change in sight, you turn on yourself and make it your fault.
Standard coping skills for depression don’t always work
There are plenty of things that can prompt change and provide hope for depression. Yet it can feel difficult or even impossible to access those things.
The standard recommendations for depression are making an effort to do something fun, going for regular walks or exercising, and talking with a friend at least once a week.
They are well-researched and can be very effective! You may have incorporated some already. If so, take a moment to acknowledge the effort that took!
If you find yourself wondering how those could be helpful, know you are not alone. You might feel unable to get excited about anything, worse after taking a walk (or unable to get yourself on a walk), or more lonely after being with friends.
Starting small and focusing on comfort is at the heart of overcoming depression. Today I’m going to outline some alternatives to each of these recommendations that might feel more doable. Each of these recommendations can also serve as a bridge to moving back into a state of feeling more connected, excited, and energized.
Coping skill for depression # 1: Gazing
Yes! I meant to write “gazing.” I know it sounds weird. Let me explain. When you’re feeling down, people have a habit of telling you to do something fun. And not understanding that not being able to experience fun is part of feeling down. Of course, there are times when doing an action helps shift feelings. And if you’re able to get yourself to try a fun activity, it might help! At times when fun feels too far away, try gazing.
You know the feeling you get when you soak in a sunset? That’s part of what I mean when I say gazing.
It’s something to nourish you. Reminding yourself of beauty.
It could be smelling basil, or listening to the waves meet the shore. Or looking at a picture of anything you used to find gorgeous.
Similarly to trying to have fun, gazing will likely not turn you into a happiness machine overnight. You might not even feel any different in the moment. The point is to shift your attention to what feels soothing. What used to feel soothing to you? What do you imagine would feel comforting? Even writing down a list, without actually doing any of them, is a first step. Continuing to listen to what will make you feel more settled will, over time, help you feel more able to have fun.
Coping skill for depression #2: Movement
I’m sure you’ve heard that exercise is just as effective for moderate depression as medication. Great news, right? Sure, if you can get yourself to exercise. Again, if you have an exercise or walking routine, keep it up! It is hugely beneficial for depression. However, sometimes taking a walk leaves you feeling more down than when you started.
If we limit “movement” to aerobic exercise or walking, it might not be broad enough for the way you are feeling. Other forms of movement can help move you through feelings of depression, too. Things like yoga, tai chi, solo dancing, and even plain old stretching are good places to start.
Are you taking stretch breaks during the day?
You don’t even have to get out of your chair, to start with. You can gently stretch your neck, for example, by tilting your head forward, then back, and then to either side. Pretend you’re watching an airline video on how to get in movement during a long flight. Make circles with your feet. Roll your shoulders forward and back. Lift your arms above your head.
Music is a great way to encourage moving. It doesn’t have to be a dance party! The music could be anything that feels comforting to you, slow or fast. When you listen to your favorite music, notice what your body wants to do in response. It might be as simple as flexing your toes. Or it might be jumping and leaping.
Each time you make a tiny new movement, on purpose, it will build a path for other small movements. Over time you can work up to a regular exercise routine. Right now notice any opportunities for moving on purpose. And be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that it takes a lot of effort right now.
Coping skill for depression #3: Get to know yourself better
Can depression make it harder to connect with people? Absolutely. Which is maddening, because connecting with people is a great antidote to depression. So what can you do when being with friends doesn’t feel as rejuvenating or easy anymore?
Sometimes engaging in an activity that doesn’t require a lot of talking can help. Doing an art project like making collages, or gardening, or cleaning together are ideas. These kinds of things might feel less daunting than having to talk about yourself, or listen to anyone else.
Another thing to consider is the fact that when it feels hard to connect with others, it’s probably hard to connect with yourself.
What are some ways to connect with yourself?
Anything that helps you know yourself better.
Self-help and other workbooks like Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way or Elaine Aron’s HSP Workbook both offer guidance in looking inward. Peer counseling or things like CoJourn (“together help!”) can be helpful as well.
Psychotherapy, spiritual direction and life coaching also cultivate connecting with yourself. With these kinds of professional relationships, you get the benefit that you don’t have to take care of anyone else. And that is a rare experience for you!
You may notice a theme in all these coping skills for depression: listening to yourself. Like anxiety, depression is trying to tell you something. So it makes sense that the antidote to depression includes listening to yourself. What can you do to nourish yourself? In what ways does your body want to move? What creative ways can you connect with others and yourself? Asking yourself these questions encourages you to listen to yourself.
The things that everyone says to do may not work for you right now. But you can find things that do. I believe it.
Keep reading more in the depression series:
What depression looks like
How do you have fun when you’re sad?
How to move when it feels like you can’t
What to do when being with people makes you feel lonely
Crisis resources:
Call or text the National Crisis Line at 988, it is available 24/7
BlackLine BIPOC Crisis Line: (800) 604- 5841
Go to your nearest emergency room
About the Author
A mental health therapist and Madison, WI based private practice owner, I see the many ways that depression impacts women. I also get to see the ways that listening to yourself, specifically by engaging in depression therapy, acts as an antidote.
I received my Master of Social Work degree from Smith College School for Social Work. I provide online therapy in Wisconsin and telehealth therapy throughout Massachusetts. I also provide counseling for anxiety and therapy for Highly Sensitive People - and often all three at once.
Looking for more support in getting to know yourself?