What does depression feel like? 2nd of 5 in the Coping Skills for Depression Series from a Madison, WI Depression Counselor

Depression is one of those things that can be tricky to spot. As a depression therapist, it’s not uncommon that I hear people say the first time they noticed they were depressed is when someone pointed it out to them. They might point out that you haven’t gotten together with your friends in a long time. People who care about you and know you well might reflect that you seem “off.” Your partner might notice that you’re not eating as much or having trouble sleeping. 

Previously I wrote an overview of how to cope with depression. This is the second of five blogs that I’ve written about coping with depression. Today I’ll give more details on what depression looks like. The next three will cover: how to have fun when you’re sad, what to do when moving feels out of reach, and how to handle times when being with others makes you feel more alone.

As you read through these descriptions of depression, consider keeping in mind two things. First, the experience of depression is not permanent. It may feel like it! But it’s not. Both in the long term and the short term, it’s possible to move in and out of feeling depressed.

The second thing I invite you to keep in mind is that depression is telling you something. It can feel like depression is the enemy for you to eliminate. But if you can look at your depression as a messenger, it creates the possibility to get to know yourself better. Understanding yourself better gives you more choice moving forward.

Some of the ways that feeling depressed can play out in your life look like:

• Not returning phone calls 

• Not eating as much because you have no appetite, or eating because it’s comforting, not because you’re hungry

• Things like dishes and laundry not getting done

• You’re late to work all the time and can’t get out of bed even though you have set three alarms in different places in your bedroom

When the doctor gives you a depression screen, the words you see there include “hopeless, feeling down, lack of interest, sad, distracted.” These are broad brushstrokes of what depression can feel like. Often those descriptors resonate, and there are a lot more nuances when describing what depression feels like.

What does depression feel like? Very, very tired

• Not having enough energy. Everything feels like an effort.

• You are tired all the time, and cannot get enough sleep. You think about sleeping all the time and can’t wait to get back in bed, and yet it doesn’t make you feel rested.

• Not feeling like yourself, like your brain is really foggy or fuzzy

Fatigue, difficulty sleeping, and feeling foggy are all things that can be part of other medical conditions. For example, depression can be a part of hypothyroidism and vitamin D deficiency. It’s important to talk with your doctor about what you’re experiencing in order to rule out other contributing factors and the ways that depression may be inter-related.

What does depression feel like? Excessively heavy

• Feeling a real heaviness, weighted down. It might feel like you are moving through molasses or walking through water.

• You ruminate on things, the negative spiral of thinking and dwelling on what’s wrong

• Not able to see any possibilities, or do anything creative

• Getting swept away by the wave of what is wrong in the world

What does depression feel like? Irritated and resentful, with a dose of shame

Little things make you really irritated. You might notice having a shorter fuse. You blame yourself for everything, beating yourself up for little things. And, you may want to blame other people too (but that thought is so scary you just pretend it never happened). You spend so much energy looking out for other people without feeling like anyone is doing the same for you. (Which ends up being a recipe for feeling resentful and depleted.)

Depression and shame work very closely together.

(This is easily amplified if you’re an HSP and feeling depressed.) It might not be obvious at first, but underneath the heaviness is the fear that you are just not good enough and never will be. Like you’re defective, always needing to prove yourself, and terrified that someone will find you out. (No wonder you’re exhausted!)

What does depression feel like? Pervasive invalidation

If you are Highly Sensitive, you are likely pretty familiar with feeling invalidated. And if you’re not an HSP, you will likely experience some invalidation when you’re feeling depressed. Even people who care about you won’t always understand. At best, they may acknowledge that they don’t know what you’re going through. At worst, you may have heard things like “cheer up,” “get over it,” or “you take things too personally.” Even if they don’t say hurtful things like that, the people closest to you still may not understand. It can start to feel like something is wrong with you, or that you need to be “fixed.”  

What does depression feel like? Craving connection yet feeling alone

• Isolated, lonely, and alone

• Feeling depleted, like a dried out sponge

• Feeling really empty and unfulfilled

It might feel at times that you’re underwater. Can you picture that feeling of when you are actually underwater and you can hear some things but it’s echoey? That feeling of disconnection is what depression can feel like.

A part of you really craves connection. You want to feel grounded in a community of support, but you don’t not feel understood by anyone. At the same time, you might find yourself unable to tolerate being around even the people you love. This can be really disorienting, since you cherish being with close friends and loved ones. When all of a sudden it’s too much to handle, you’re thrown off. You wonder, why is it not giving you the same sense of connection that you felt before?

There is nothing wrong with you

None of these experiences mean that anything is wrong with you. I cannot stress this enough. Similar to feelings of anxiety, depression is also telling you something. It might not make any sense right now, but somehow it does add up.

And it’s possible to move through it.

You can find meaning again, feel more like yourself, have mutual relationships (and get the dishes done too).

In the next three articles in the depression series, I’ll get into some specifics of what small shifts you can start to make. In a sense, these options are talking back to the well-known remedies. You’ve heard many times that you should exercise, talk with a friend, and do something fun. These are all important, but when you’re depressed, they are all incredibly hard to do. I’ll talk about other ways that you can attend to yourself in ways that may not feel as daunting or difficult. You can read the short version in my previous post of ways to cope with depression.

In the meantime, know you are not alone and that you are enough. Depression is not a sign of being deficient. It’s simply telling you something. If you are paying attention to it, you are doing a really brave thing. It takes time, but you will move through it.

Crisis resources:

• Call or text the National Crisis Line at 988, it is available 24/7

• BlackLine BIPOC Crisis Line: (800) 604- 5841

• Go to your nearest emergency room

About the Author

I’m a depression counselor who loves supporting women to move through depression.

After graduating from Smith College School for Social Work, I’ve worked in community mental health and hospice before opening my Madison, Wisconsin based private practice. In addition to depression counseling, I also offer counseling for anxiety and therapy for HSPs via telehealth therapy for women in Wisconsin and online therapy in Massachusetts.

Looking for more support to move through depression?