How do you have fun when you’re sad? 3rd of 5 in the Coping skills for depression series from a Madison, WI Depression Therapist
As a counselor for depression, I’m writing a series on coping skills. I’d like to offer some alternatives to the standard coping mechanisms that you’re likely already familiar with. Those recommendations - take regular walks, do something fun, and talk with a friend - can be really effective at times. At other times, doing those things might not actually help, even for a short time.
Thus far in the Coping Skills for Depression series I have covered:
Today I’ll be discussing what you can try when having fun feels impossible. This is the third of five blogs in the depression series. It also overlaps with how you can recover from burnout. Both involve practicing nourishing yourself.
How do you have fun when you’re sad? Start with comfort
When you’re feeling depressed, foggy, and alone, it’s hard to imagine getting up to do something fun. Friends will say you should go to that party, or meet them for dinner. They are sure it will make you feel better!
But the thought of putting on real pants, much less smiling and engaging in conversation, feels impossible.
You wonder how you ever did it before.
To be fair, your friends do have a point. (And they probably care a lot about you.) Humans are social creatures, and social interaction, on whatever level, is crucial to feeling better. But right now, going for dinner with a group of friends might have made you feel worse. Playing with your nephews might have sapped all of your ever-decreasing energy.
If you feel up for a brief coffee, or a phone call with a friend, keep doing those things! It’s really important to stay connected. It’s a fine line between not feeling up for something and because you’re wanting to avoid feeling uncomfortable, and really honoring what you are needing in the moment. Sometimes you’ll need coaxing to get out. Other times you’ll need to claim your need for solitude. Keep assessing what kinds of interactions feel possible and nourishing for you. You won’t get it perfect, and it will be uncomfortable if you are depressed. Think of it as a constant honing.
“Gazing” as a route to comfort for depression
There may be times when you don’t even feel up for a short conversation with a friend. (Never mind a dinner party or neighborhood festival.) When “fun” feels like a feeling you can’t quite remember anymore, you might want to spend some time getting closer to comfort.
Feeling comforted and soothed helps us engage with other people and enjoyable activities.
But what to do when comfort also feels out of reach? At these times, it can help to take a few steps back and try gazing. (Um, Bronwyn? Gazing? What are you talking about?) Hear me out. Think about the way you soak in a sunset, your favorite song, or the taste of fresh-squeezed orange juice. Gazing is a part of that: stopping to take in something beautiful, even for a moment.
Why call it “gazing?” Sometimes even using the word comfort or fun can be hard when you’re feeling depressed. It’s something you want so desperately, and it feels so out of reach. Using the word gazing can feel more possible. There’s also less of an expectation to feel comforted or happy when you do these things, and you may not feel better immediately. The goal is to take small steps in that direction. Try it out. If you like comfort or nourish or soothe better, use that!
Gazing could be as simple as fixing your focus on a houseplant.
Looking at a picture of a landscape. Glancing out the window. Noticing a pattern of drifted snow. Listening to a bird sing. Paying attention to the way the clouds move in the sky. Taking in the ways that the color of the horizon shifts at dusk. Feeling the softness of the fur behind your cat’s ear.
Small acts of nourishment move you in the direction of comfort for depression
Doing these small actions is a way of soothing yourself, and right now soothing feels hard to come by. Gazing is nourishing yourself, comforting the part of you that feels hopeless and alone. It is reminding yourself that there are some things you do have control over, even if they feel insignificant.
Gazing begins to re-connect you with the parts of yourself that thrive on rest and solitude.
It might feel frustrating when you try it. You might not feel any different right away. Sometimes the first step is imagining what you would find soothing. What would you want to gaze at? What experience do you want to soak in? What song do you want to listen to? What do you imagine would feel comforting?
Comfort for depression: keep it small, get creative
One thing you can do to help make gazing feel more do-able is to make a “gazing list.” It would be a list of things that you think might feel nourishing, even if you don’t actually do them. A note/disclaimer on this idea: lists are immensely helpful for some people and make things worse for others. If making a list will be helpful for you to feel more in control and would feel like it is moving you toward comforting yourself, then make a list right now. If, however, a list will only make it more likely that you’ll feel like a failure later when you find the list in your laundry pile, skip it. Know that simply by reading this blog, your mind is filing it away for you and it will reappear when you are able to take it in. If you choose not to make an written list, read this next part and just notice if any ideas come to mind, without writing them down.
Some things on the list can be things you know aren’t possible right now. For example, you may imagine feeling comforted by hugging a friend, and that friend isn’t around now. Even naming it to yourself is a start, so add it to the list anyway.
Try to find things around you right now that could feel nourishing or soothing in some way.
Is there a blanket nearby that feels soft to touch? Some lotion with a nice scent that you could massage into your hands? A cloud in the sky that is moving across the window? Add anything to the list that you can think of. You don’t have to do anything about it yet, just get it on the list.
Once you have a solid list, you can try doing one of the nourishing things, just for 60 seconds. One minute. If one of the things on the list was using your favorite lotion, try putting even a small dab on the back of your hands and massaging it into your skin. This small reminder that you are paying attention to yourself might not pay dividends in the moment. But over time, these kinds of actions will build on themselves.
You can get creative with gazing too. For example, if you love listening to birds, but you’re not outside or not in a place where you can hear birds singing, look up bird calls on youtube. Chances are someone has made a music track of bird songs. You get the idea.
How to have fun when you’re sad: it can be “both - and”
Remember that it is possible to feel joy in the midst of sadness. Humans are quite complex, and we have the capacity to feel many things at once. When you’re depressed, the balance is tipped against the happiness side. But that doesn’t mean it has disappeared. You can still catch glimpses of fun when you’re feeling depressed. Focusing on things like gazing can help you steer your attention toward this possibility.
Even though I’ve written previously about overcoming depression, it’s not either-or. There might be phases of your life that you feel more acutely sad, and other phases of your life that you feel more acutely joyful. Throughout all those phases, it’s possible to have fun. It’s just more fleeting and hard to come by sometimes.
The goal in gazing and comforting is not to “feel better” immediately. You might not even notice a shift in your mood. It may not feel even a little bit fun, or nourishing, in the moment. But it keeps you solidly in the direction of paying attention to yourself, and showing yourself small kindnesses. (Similar to one of the ways you can cope with winter depression, the actions can create the feelings.)
The point is to practice listening to yourself and over time, know what you need and what feels nourishing.
Eventually this will help lead you back toward what feels nourishing and fun.
Crisis resources:
Call or text the National Crisis Line at 988, it is available 24/7
BlackLine BIPOC Crisis Line: (800) 604- 5841
Go to your nearest emergency room
About the Author
A graduate of Smith College School for Social work, she enjoys doing depth work with women.
In addition to providing depression counseling, Bronwyn also provides therapy for anxiety and HSP therapy.