How to deal with your Inner Critic: Guidance from a Depression Therapist in Madison, WI
If you have a strong inner critic, you know that it can be a big part of your depression. You may be engaging in counseling for depression in order to address it. If so, good for you! Facing your inner critic takes courage. Today I want to encourage you to dare to tell the whole truth.
Dealing with your inner critic step #1:
Start telling the truth
Do you ever roll your eyes when someone tells you to start giving yourself affirmations? If only it were that simple, right? The thought of filling your home with post-its saying “Follow your bliss” isn’t exactly motivating (and, er, not really a true affirmation anyway…). It might even make that Inner Critic start flaring up again.
I’m not here to tell you to fill your house with affirmations. (And I am not here to tell you not to do that. If done intentionally it can be really helpful). I do want to offer some thoughts on reframing the Inner Critic, and it might sound a bit like affirmations.
Recently I wrote about some ways to start to soothe your inner critic. One thought I offered was considering the possibility of imagining what someone else might say instead of whatever harsh thing you just said.
Part of the reason that imagining an alternative statement is powerful is the fact that in that moment you are starting to tell the truth.
How to deal with your Inner Critic step #2:
Claim the complete truth
Wait, what? I hear you crying foul: “But Bronwyn, I am most certainly telling the truth!” Yes, your Inner Critic feels like the only truth, doesn’t it? You have told it to yourself for so long that it’s hard not to believe it. And before going all existential on you, I will briefly mention that this does tie into neuroscience, if that helps. (Disclaimer: I am not a neuroscientist.)
Two things can happen when we tell ourselves something. We can either reinforce an existing neural connection in our brains, or we can create a new connection. As you might imagine, it’s a lot easier to reinforce the existing connections. Think of it like driving on a snowy road before the plow has been through. If you are the first car, it’s pretty slow going and tricky, it takes a lot to create a pathway there. But if you are following the ruts of other cars, it’s a lot easier. Similarly, it’s also much harder to get out of those ruts once you are in them.
If the metaphorical ruts in your brain are connections paved from your Inner Critic, we want to challenge their claim to the complete truth and make some new pathways.
How to deal with your Inner Critic step #3:
Look at all the evidence
Let’s take an example: if your Inner Critic tells you you are stupid, it feels like that is the only truth. Without going in to the problematics of the concepts of stupidity and intelligence, take a moment to think of evidence that you are not stupid. How many complex problems do you solve in a day? Each one is an example of how intelligent you are. Oh I hear you: sure, you’re not perfect. But even accounting for not getting your to-do list done, that doesn’t erase all the times that you have used your incredible intelligence. (I see you, Highly Sensitive women, and I know that HSP depression makes this especially difficult.)
How is it fair of you to admit that those occasional mistakes that you make are real but not the other hundreds of instances of smart? (And I would offer that mistakes are not stupid at all, but simply human.)
Looking at only some of the evidence is just bad science.
Did you read and reply to any emails? That takes complex thinking and intelligence. Did you prioritize any tasks for the day? Figure out how to get your child up and to school in the morning? And that’s just today - think of all the possibilities from previous life successes. Make sure you are not limiting to intellectual intelligence but also acknowledging emotional intelligence. How many times have you anticipated what a friend needs? Predicted potential long-term problems in a plan at work? You are infinitely intelligent, actually.
Dealing with your inner critic step #4:
Create new pathways
Once you have some concrete examples of your beautiful intelligence, pick your favorite. Take that example and turn it into a counter statement to the Inner Critic.
If you spend your days crunching numbers, your counter statement could be something like, “I am a spreadsheet magician.” If you consistently get gifts for people that they like, your counter statement could be, “I am an exquisitely perceptive gift-giving aficionado.” Got the idea? If it helps to write your statement down somewhere, like the bathroom mirror or the car console, do that. If you have a journal, write it in there. If you like visual art, experiment with some crayons or watercolors and your counter statement. The point is to keep it close, so you can be ready when the Inner Critic gets loud. (And if you’re an HSP, make sure you are paying attention to your HSP needs in order to make this easier.)
Keep practicing good science. Challenge the corner on reality that the Inner Critic claims.
Dare to tell the whole truth.
A psychotherapist and owner of a psychotherapy practice in Madison, WI, I provide online therapy for women living in Wisconsin and Massachusetts who have a strong inner critic. I graduated from the Smith College School for Social Work in Northampton, MA with a Masters in Social Work, and I love using my degree to support women struggling with depression.
I see over and over that depression therapy is effective in dealing with your inner critic. (Therapy for HSPs and anxiety counseling are also antidotes to the inner critic.)