How to Quiet the Inner Critic: Thoughts from a Depression Therapist based in Madison, WI
Use Curiosity to Quiet Your Inner Critic
Ah, that pesky Inner Critic. You may not even notice it anymore, your Inner Critic is so ingrained. Especially if you’re an HSP, you already feel like there is something wrong with you. For being bothered by the scent of your neighbor’s dryer sheets, for caring so much, for being conscientious and intentional (a.k.a. time-consuming) in your decision-making.
When you are feeling depressed, your Inner Critic goes into full-blown attack mode. Getting on your case for forgetting things (“How could you misplace your keys?! You always put them in the same place!”). Replaying and second-guessing interactions with friends (“You should never have said that to her, that was so stupid!”). Playing the comparison game (“Well of course they will get the promotion, you can’t even get out of bed on time”)…you get the idea.
The good news is that you can soothe and quiet your Inner Critic. We’re not going for extinction here, it’s not a battle to be won. It’s a gradual holding steady, using your excellent empathy. Simply start with curiosity:
Quiet Your Inner Critic Tip #1:
Be Curious
When a really harsh thought takes over, try showing it some curiosity. Your reflex is to let the Inner Critic bowl you over and leave you flattened (I mean it’s hard not to after the things your Inner Critic says to you). The next time your Inner Critic yells, imagine you are an observer. Imagine looking at yourself and your Inner Critic with your hand on your chin saying, “Hm, isn’t that interesting?” And that’s it. Not flattening, not trying to ignore it or beat it over the head - just saying, “Yup, I’ve seen you before. I wonder what’s going on?” This takes the power away from the statement. It also gives you the space to allow for the possibility that whatever the Inner Critic is yelling may not be 100% accurate.
Curiosity did not kill the cat. In fact curiosity is crucial to quieting your inner critic, which in turn is often a big part of overcoming depression.
Over time and after lots of practice, your curiosity will lead you to understanding yourself better. This not only gives you better empathy for yourself but more choice. When you get a clearer picture of what you’re dealing with, you have more options for change.
How to Quiet the Inner Critic Tip # 2: Imagine what someone else might say instead
I know, you’re rolling your eyes. Everyone says to try this, and your Inner Critic is probably telling you to stop reading this wimpy inner child blog and do something productive (yikes, your Inner Critic is harsh!). And, you know the Inner Critic stuff isn’t working. So why not try an alternative? You don’t have to believe it, just try it on. See if anything is believable, even some of the time. If your friend thinks you deserve a promotion, what about your performance makes them think that? If your professor thought you had something valuable to say, consider the possibility that your professor knew what they were talking about. Again, you don’t have to fully believe it, you just have to consider it. Practice saying another perspective instead.
How to Quiet the Inner Critic Tip # 3: Imagine what YOU would say instead
You’ve got a number of options with this one. First, if the Inner Critic is coming from someone else’s voice, you can imagine what you want to say to them. If the Inner Critic is your old basketball coach who never let you off the bench or demeaned women or told you that you couldn’t throw a ball worth squat - what do you want to say to him? If the Inner Critic is your mother who never acknowledged the reality of your experiences, what do you want to say to her?
These responses are imagined - not something you would ever say in real life to the person, but what you wish you had said, or would love to say (but really wouldn’t). Don’t hold back, this is a chance to feel a little of that anger you’ve been wanting to avoid feeling.
Second, you could imagine what you might say if you were talking to someone you love: your niece, or your friend. Imagine how distressed they are and how much you believe in them. What would help them? What would be soothing to them?
You are not lying to them to make them feel better, you are looking deep and finding strengths, perspective, and resilience. Imagine saying it to them, and imagine how they would feel hearing you offer solace. Then just consider the possibility of saying something similar to yourself. You don’t have to even say it (yet). Just consider the possibility.
As much as you can, show yourself some patience.
You’re dealing with a life-long pattern, it’s not going to change overnight, and it is hard, deliberate, frustrating work.
After the Inner Critic strikes and you have tried some curiosity and imagination, make sure you go back to what you need and what nourishes you. Do something to actively disengage in the moment. Listen to your favorite song, go for a walk, give yourself a foot massage with your favorite lotion.
It won’t happen in a day, or a month. But over time you will see some cracks in those statements, you will feel a softening, and in that a strength.
A mental health therapist and owner of a psychotherapy practice in Madison, WI, I provide telehealth therapy for women living in Wisconsin who are familiar with listening to the inner critic. I love supporting women whose inner critic amplifies their depression.
I’m also licensed in Massachusetts and DC and offer online therapy in Massachusetts and the District of Columbia. In addition to therapy for depression, I also offer therapy for HSPs and anxiety counseling (and often, all three at once).
Depression therapy is effective in quieting your inner critic. I know this because I see it almost every day. Would you like more support in quieting your inner critic?