How to Control Your Emotions: Tips from a Madison, WI Depression Therapist
Spoiler: I don’t think emotions are things to be controlled. Emotions are here to tell us something, and we need to feel them in order to move through them. But even before feeling them, we have to know which emotions we are dealing with. Enter the power of noticing.
We got an overview of how to move through depression in a recent blog post. I want to break that down a bit further and talk more about noticing and naming emotions. This is something you can do on your own. You can also get support practicing this with a depression therapist.
Noticing isn’t terribly sexy, it doesn’t get a lot of press or hype. (I have never seen a headline reading “Woman notices that her friend is sad.”) But noticing is so powerful, and you do it so well. Particularly when you are noticing what other people need, how they are feeling, and how you can help. Noticing yourself and what you are feeling and what you need is so much harder. (And, entirely within your capacity.)
Depression Therapist Tip #1:
Unlearn the fear around emotions
Everyone has emotions, they are part of what makes life so beautifully complex. Emotions might feel like the enemy, but they are not good or bad, they simply are. And they are telling us things. When you are feeling depressed (isolated, depleted, foggy, heavy, invalidated), it’s important to name what you are feeling. Naming your feelings is also really hard, especially doing it without judgment. Practicing this hard task is at the core of overcoming depression.
You likely got some strong messages as a child around which emotions were ok to share and which were not, or maybe no emotions were safe.
You were likely taught (by society, your parents, or anyone else in authority) that having and expressing emotions is bad, inappropriate, weak, or even dangerous. This makes it difficult to notice and name your emotions, because you have perfected the art of ignoring your emotions and pretending they don’t exist.
In order to move through depression, naming what you are feeling is essential. If you don’t know what you are feeling, you have no options to know what to do about it. And sometimes it feels like rocket science - it’s likely no one taught you how to figure this out. So it makes sense that feelings are scary. In fact, most people would rather shove emotions under a rug and pretend they don’t exist.
Depression Therapist Tip #2:
Identify what you are feeling
The next time you are feeling stuck, about anything, take a minute to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” The first things you might name will likely be mad, sad, or happy - these are overarching feelings that generally we can suss out. When you know which one it is that you’re feeling, play with not judging the feeling. This is hard to do! Experiment with just naming it, and then moving on.
Naming your feelings takes a lot of practice, trial and error.
It also takes learning a lot of words that describe feelings. Once you’ve established mad, sad, and happy, see if you can get more specific. There are so many more ways to describe how you are feeling! Words like apprehensive, cheerful, vigilant, irate, surprised, disgusted, ecstatic, inferior, peaceful, jealous, amused. (Google “feelings wheel pdf” and have a look around. The feelings wheel from the Gottman Institute is a great place to start.)
Depression Therapist Tip #3:
Practice staying open and curious
It’s likely that you will gravitate toward noticing the feelings you wish would go away. Practice paying attention to all the feelings, not just the heavy depressed ones.
Part of what is helpful about noticing your emotions is that at some point, you will feel something that you actually want to feel. But it will likely be fleeting, almost covered up by all that self-blame and fogginess. So you’ll need to be intentional about remembering that not quite everything you are feeling is awful.
Finally, remember that naming is not about judging. (Your inner critic does plenty of judging already.) The judgment of whatever you are feeling adds heaviness to the feeling exponentially. And you need all the lightness you can get right now. So when you notice yourself judging an emotion, practice simply noticing it. It’s perfectly normal. Just keep naming.
About the Author
A Clinical Social Worker and owner of Bronwyn Shiffer Psychotherapy based in Madison, WI, I want emotions to be less scary for you. After years of providing therapy for women, I know that having a brave space to identify, feel, and process emotions is crucial to feeling more in control of your emotions.