Highly Sensitive People and Depression: Where is the hope?
First of all, there is hope.
This may not feel like a given.
If you’ve experienced depression as a Highly Sensitive person, you know how heavy it can feel. I’m Bronwyn, a therapist for women and HSPs in Massachusetts, Wisconsin, and Washington, DC. Recently I was a guest on the Women in Depth podcast, hosted by Lourdes Viado, PhD. We talked about HSP depression, what it looks like, and how to cope. In this blog I focus on the last part of the podcast conversation, where is the hope for HSP’s experiencing depression?
Much of your experience as an HSP has been one of invalidation: “Stop being so sensitive,” “That pebble in your shoe isn’t bothering you that much.” Further, experiencing depression also cues invalidation: “Get over it,” “Eat more vegetables,” “Take more walks.” Hearing these kinds of things over and over can make you wonder if everyone else is right - am I the one who’s wrong? Do I really just have to suck it up? And that reality would be intolerable, would lead to despair and hopelessness for sure.
There is hope. Here are four places to start.
HSP Depression Tip # 1:
Claim your Highly Sensitive self and its specific needs
Is it hard to even consider the fact that you might have needs? Especially ones that are “Highly Sensitive”? At minimum, consider what it would look like to claim your HSP needs. It’s normal to feel huge relief when realizing your high sensitivity has a name. It is an actual trait, and you actually do feel more pain from the pebble in your shoe. It’s also normal to feel ambivalent about it, or even upset that someone would label you as “sensitive” on purpose when it has been such a source of pain. You can consider reclaiming the word “sensitive” in order to talk back to messages of shame.
Whatever your reaction, notice it, it’s just fine. Either way, consider the different needs you have as an HSP and see what difference it might make to pay attention to them.
As an HSP, you need specific things in order to maximize your amazing gifts. Your brain and body need lots of downtime, more sleep, more space to daydream.
You need practice saying no, even to good things, so that you aren’t overextending yourself. You need practice separating your own stuff from other people’s. You need plenty of go-to comforts to recover after becoming overwhelmed. (It’s impossible to remain at optimal levels of stimulation 24/7.)
Once you are taking care of your physiological HSP needs, you’ll be better equipped to handle pieces of depression, whenever they may return. You will be able to take in and celebrate the wonderful parts of your Highly Sensitive self.
HSP Depression Tip # 2:
Ask yourself what you need
Depression is telling you that you are not getting something that you need. It’s so important to ask this question on a regular basis to get more connected to yourself.
HSPs are so good at giving exquisite attention, but rarely to themselves.
The practice of turning your exquisite attention toward yourself is really what is at the core of taking care of yourself as an HSP. This is especially true for HSP depression.
Asking yourself what it is that you need takes time to practice. People with marginalized identities (women, people raised as female, women of color) have been taught to ignore what they need so they can focus on other people’s needs. This teaching is kept tightly in place with the lie that paying attention to your own needs is selfish. Believing this lie (that you are selfish for wanting to pay attention to your own needs) only causes or exacerbates depression. Poking holes in this belief and beginning to ask yourself on a regular basis what you need is a key piece of overcoming depression.
Practicing asking yourself what you need can tie in with the next piece of hope: being in therapy. Psychotherapy is a space where you can sift through the complexity of your experience and have someone else listen and pay attention to it, too.
HSP Depression Tip # 3:
Find a therapist who understands HSP depression
Fact: HSPs benefit more from therapy than non-HSPs. It’s true! Dr. Elaine Aron has researched this. HSPs thrive with space to process, and therapy provides lots of space for processing. There’s no rush, or deadline, or deduction for taking time for silence to let things settle. In fact, this is what deepens your therapy - and it’s what you’re already good at.
Therapy is where you will be heard. If your depression is a result of painful past experiences, or ongoing marginalization, therapy is an opportunity for healing. If your depression is connected with not getting what you need as an HSP, therapy is a place to carefully explore those needs and how you can get them met. It’s important to find a therapist who understands Highly Sensitive People and depression so that therapy can be a place of reparative validation. You are not wrong, your needs are valid, and you have wonderful gifts.
When you’re depressed, you feel isolated and alone. Therapy for depression is the beginning of connecting and reconnecting with others, first by connecting with yourself.
Once you feel more solid in your own skin, you can then find more places of belonging in the world and connect with others in a more meaningful way.
Is it hard to say “I need a therapist”? Of course it is! Because all the messages we get from the patriarchy tell us we are weak, or “too emotional,” and therapy is a place to be coddled. I call complete bullshit on that. To be human is to be interdependent and to need support from other people. And feeling emotions is hard work. It takes courage to face them.
You are that brave.
(How to find the right therapist for you can feel daunting. I’ve got more tips for that too.)
HSP Depression Tip # 4:
Learn about HSP benefits
It’s hard to think about the positives of being an HSP now (in fact you may want to stop reading since I had the audacity to bring it up!). You’ve heard enough of “cheer up” and “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”
But if you can,
consider the reality that being Highly Sensitive is not a weakness.
It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s part of your brilliance.
You get more joy from life, you are endlessly conscientious, you gift others with great empathy.
So while it might seem like a drag to get more sleep than other people, just remember your cloud nine is higher than theirs.
I opened a practice for psychotherapy in Madison, WI in order to work with women struggling with depression. A Clinical Social Worker licensed in Wisconsin, Massachusetts, and Washington, DC, I received my Masters in Social Work from the Smith College School for Social Work and provide online therapy for women in Wisconsin, telehealth therapy in Massachusetts and virtual therapy in the District of Columbia.
I love being a depression therapist and working with HSP depression. Therapy for Highly Sensitive People involves looking at the ways that HSP needs intersect with and amplify depression and anxiety.